Simple suggestions to keep Mommy sane

Dear Children,

You know I love you with every ounce of my being, but there are a few things that could use some improvement. Most important of which is the screaming.

Sophia, if you must scream, could you please lower the decibel to, let’s say, a level that will not make my ears spontaneously bleed. At the end of a long day, trapped in the car, trying my hardest to get you home as quickly as possible, the last thing I want to do is try to figure out why it is you’re screaming like Freddy Krueger is in the seat next to you. It must stop.

The reason for the screaming varies, but it's usually about you wanting a cookie or fruit snacks (no, you cannot have a snack before dinner), more juice (sorry, I cannot pour you a cup of apple juice while I’m driving), to listen to the doggy song (Seriously, if I have to listen to that freaking song one more time, my head is going to explode) or, and this is my favorite, the windows are down in the car. From now on, I will open the car windows, even the ones on your side of the vehicle. The wind will not hurt you, I swear. There is no reason to scream "OUCH" because the wind is blowing on your face. With gas prices at more than $4 a gallon, the car’s air conditioner is a luxury we cannot afford when it’s only 80 degrees outside.

Ryan, I understand that you must be famished from such a long day of being spoiled rotten at daycare. But, darling, making dinner takes time. I cannot give you dinner the second we walk in the door because, well, it’s not ready yet. I’m not trying to starve you. You will eat, I promise. Have I let you skip a meal yet? No, and I’m certainly not about to start. And, seriously, just because you can see the bottle does not mean you must have that bottle this instant. If you need the bottle so much that you feel the need to scream at a decibel that competes with your sister, please hold the damn bottle yourself. I know you can do it, you do it at daycare, now please do it at home.

Oh, and children, in order to make dinner, I must put the two of you down. Not on the kitchen counter, but on the floor.

Lastly, I know the bathtub is loads of fun, but can I please ask the two of you to try not to drown each other? Ryan, the best way to prevent drowning in the bathtub is to sit still. You’re little legs are just not stable enough to hold you upright in the bathtub and I have a terrible time trying to hold you steady while you are covered in soap. Sophia, for you, the best way to prevent a drowning is to also sit still. It is not advisable for you to try and trade places with your brother over and over again. No matter how much fun it is, this is a very dangerous game you are playing.

I hope the two of you take these suggestions seriously. These simple improvements will increase the value of your family stock exponentially and make me even happier.

Thank you for your consideration,
Mommy