Overcoming the odds to bring families together

There was a time in the not so distant past that I didn't like her very much. Society would say I shouldn't like her very much and that our current relationship is extremely unnatural.

Some people would even say our entire family dynamic is completely crazy. I would say that without her, things wouldn't be the way they are today.

Who is she? She is the mother of my stepson and my husband's ex-wife. Her name is Bernadette.

When Jon and I first started dating, there was a power struggle between the two of us, as is common, I imagine, between ex-wife and new girlfriend … especially when there is a child involved. We didn't really talk and when we did it was a terribly tense situation.

However, what I learned from Bernadette is that the bond of family is way more important than any real or imagined power struggle. This is a lesson that many divorced families never learn or simply cannot learn.

It didn't happen overnight. It didn't go from us not liking each other one day to best buddies the next. It was a slow process. We didn't have any talk about it. I didn’t plan things to work out the way they did, they happened because Bernadette would not have it any other way. We were all a family whether we like it or not. She did it for her son and I am so lucky to have her as my husband's ex-wife. I couldn't imagine having to live a life full of anger and resentment between me and the mother of my stepson.

Study upon study will say that divorce is terrible on children. They feel guilt and they feel torn between their parents. Bernadette knew that it was not in her son's best interest for us to ooze hatred, so she made the extra effort to bring our families together.

It takes a lot of courage and determination to put your own feelings aside for the sake of your child. She did it without even batting an eyelash; or at least seemingly so. Because of her, Jonathan doesn't have a regular split family. Jon and Bernadette talk regularly about parenting strategies and his development (he'll be 15 in a few short months!). We get together as a family often. My daughter plays with her daughter all the time. We even have sleepover parties for the girls.

The dynamic of our family is so unusual to so many people that we are often asked how we do it. I've had co-workers ask me about it. Friends of Bernadette have asked her about it. Some of them don't even know how to talk to me when we all hang out together. Even my mom has told me she doesn't really understand our relationship. I think in time, everyone will get comfortable with our situation because it's just the way it is going to be. I think it's sad that more families can't do this, but I understand why.

It takes a strong mom to do what she did and I'm proud to include Bernadette in my family. Yes, it is unusual, but it works for our family. I think Jonathan is a better person for her efforts.

Happy Mother's Day, Bern.

The blending of families

The relationship we have with my husband's ex-wife and her family is unusual. My husband and his ex-wife were married very young, had a son they named Jonathan, and after a couple of years divorced.

When we first started dating, things were a little tense, as is expected. I can't imagine how it feels to be the ex-wife watching someone you once shared dreams and aspirations with start a new life. But life went on for everyone and the day came when everyone realized that it would be in Jonathan's best interest if we all just got along. So everyone just put their differences aside and started our new blended family.

I met my stepson when he was 5, he is now 14 and a well-rounded teen who has the ability to make all his parents proud and completely frustrated at the same time, just like any other 14 year old. He is a good kid, there is no doubt about that. I believe his stability is based solely on the relationship we have with his mother and her family.

About once a week, we get together for dinner. On weekends, we all go to my stepson's various sporting events. In fact, we probably hang out with her family more often than we do any of our other friends.

When she had her daughter, we came to the hospital to visit her and the new baby. When she and her fiance moved into their new home, we went over for dinner to celebrate their good fortune. When my children were born, they were there to welcome the new babies. Sophia and her daughter are only nine months apart, so they are ready-made friends.

I like it this way. I like the thought that Jonathan feels he has one big extended family, with all the parents on the same page. There is no bad blood, no name calling, no fighting. It's just one, big family. We celebrate birthdays, christenings and births together. In my opinion, we share holidays better than many families who are actually related.

Sadly, this is not the norm and when I talk about our family, I often get strange looks from people. "How do you do it?" is the most common question. Honestly, I wasn't there when they were divorcing so who am I to judge the demise of their relationship? The only thing I contribute is my ability to realize that Jonathan has a mother and father and I am neither one of those. I am huge part of his life, but I know my boundaries and I think that goes a long way. The real credit goes to my husband and his ex-wife for being able to put their past differences aside and focus on what's really important: their son. I have much respect for them for this.

Sometimes marriages dissolve, but when kids are involved, they're the ones who have to be a part of both families. It is in their best interest to see healthy relationships rather than angry and bitter ones. I feel extremely fortunate to be part of this family.