Daycare dilemma

I am fuming. I'm more upset than I have been in longer than I can remember. Yesterday, I picked Sophia up from daycare and she had a cut across the bridge of her nose. Her face looks terrible. Her left eye is a little black and blue from whatever happened, too.

Wait. What? "Whatever happened?" you ask.

Answer: No one knows.

Yup, that's right, no one has any idea how my daughter got a cut across the bridge of her nose during nap time.

Oh, I am indeed upset.

Here's the conversation between me and her teachers:

Me: Sophia, what happened to your face?

Sophia: Boo boo.

Me: Oh, I'm sorry honey. What happened (addressing the 3 teachers in the classroom)?

All teachers stop what they're doing and look my way.

Me: She didn't come to school with this, so what happened?

Teacher 1: We didn't see how it happened so we didn't write anything up, but now that we know it happened here we'll document it. (In their defense, these 3 teachers are not her regular classroom teachers, they are just with Sophia at the end of the day.)

Me: OK, so what happened?

Teacher 2 (Who IS one of Sophia's regular teachers): She must have gotten it during nap time while I was at lunch.

Me: So who was in the classroom?
(Teacher 2 names two teachers I've never heard before)

Me: No one saw anything?!

Teacher 2: It was during nap so the lights were off. I've said before that we need more people in this room.

Me: No one heard her cry? She must have had some reaction to getting hurt. Was the cut cleaned? Did anyone put ice on it? Did she get a hug or any kind of support while she was crying? You know, on Friday I found a bite mark on her back and I didn't get a report for that either. What is going on in this classroom? I'm going to have to talk to the director about this.

Teacher 2: Good, maybe you can get more people in here.

Argh!

This is my daughter's face we're talking about here. This is the place I bring my children every day. I do expect a certain amount of cuts and bruises. Kids will be kids. But I expect there to be documented reactions from the teachers when something happens. This incident was something that should have been noticed.

You can't even imagine how awful I feel at the thought that my daughter was suffering some kind of pain with no one there to comfort her.

It's just awful.

I tried to talk to the director last night, but she was on the phone and I couldn't wait around for her (which was probably a good thing since I was even more upset yesterday), so I talked to her first thing this morning. Her reaction was the same as mine. She said would be talk to the teachers. She then proceeded to tell me that in daycares, not just here, there is a high turn over rate for teachers in the young toddler rooms because the kids are such high maintenance that the teachers burn out quickly. This means little stability in the classroom.

But that is no excuse for no one noticing a cut on Sophia's face, I said. She agreed with me and said it is clear they aren't doing their job and they will be reprimanded.

You know, I drop my kids off at daycare every morning and go to work not because I need to get out of the house or because I don't want to take care of my own kids, but because I need to work. I need to contribute financially to my family. We, like millions of other families, need two incomes to keep the household running. I don't have the option to stay home, nor does my husband.

So what do I do? Do I change daycares or let it ride and see what happens? She's only in this classroom for another 2 months when she moves to the 2-year-old room where there is a teacher who's been there for a long time. What I'd really like to do is go down there right now and pull my kids out of daycare and put them both in a little bubble surrounding my house until I can find people worthy of taking care of my children.

But that's serious crazy mom talk.

Toddler wars

Yesterday I picked up the kids from daycare and lo and behold I received an incident report about Sophia biting another child. Frankly, I'm tired of it. None of the teachers seem to be overly concerned about it and I'm tired of being the only one who is concerned. But that won't stop me from trying to figure out why Sophia is biting her friends at school and how to stop it.

For the first time, the report I got yesterday contained useful information. Usually I get a letter that says, "Sophia was playing with another child and she bit the child on the hand (arm, nose, finger, etc.). We told Sophia that biting is not nice and she said she was sorry." This time the letter explained that Sophia was playing with a toy and another child tried to take it from her and Sophia wouldn't give it up. The other child persisted and Sophia bit the child. Feeling her authority, Sophia decided she didn't want a different child in the area where she was playing and tried to remove the child. When the child wouldn't leave, Sophia bit them. The teacher said she removed Sophia from the situation, told her biting was mean and it hurts her friends and Sophia said she was sorry for biting.

Of course I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Last week, Sophia came home from school with a bite mark on the back of her left shoulder and an incident report explaining that she was bit by a child. The week before she came home with a scratch across her face one day (no report) and another day she had a deep cut on the back of her head (again, no report).

My theory is that there is a war going on in that classroom and the teachers are completely unaware of the dynamics. I have been told by one of the teachers that the group of children in Sophia's class is particularly feisty. I don't think Sophia's biting is because she's defending herself, but I do believe she is reacting to the atmosphere of the classroom. Basically, I think what started out as a phase and should have been quickly over has turned into a long, drawn out ordeal because of an underground toddler war. And because Sophia's biting has been well-documented, the teachers are focusing on that and missing a lot of other "incidences."

I mentioned my theory, or at least the non-crazy mom version of it, to one of the teachers after Sophia came home with the gash on the back of her head and no incident report. I showed the teacher the cut on Sophia's head and she seemed completely surprised by the injury. Since then, I have gotten notices that Sophia has been hurt by other children mixed in with Sophia's biting reports.

In the meantime, Sophia absolutely loves going to daycare (aka: school). Everytime we put on her coat, get in the car or take out my keys - day or night - she asks about going to school. I'd like to continue to encourage her love of school, but I'm afraid this war has potential to damage this. She loves going to play with her friends and she's always saying their names. How do I discipline an action that only takes place at daycare and encourage her love of going to school?

The war continues.

**Update, update. I talked to Sophia's teacher and things aren't as bad I thought.**

New top dog in town

Last week, Sophia moved from the 13 to 18 month old room at daycare to the 19 to 24 month old room. It was a big move because now she is playing with the big kids.

After only one week in the room, she is already in a fight for the alpha dog position, and I'm afraid she is going to win it.

On top of being strong-willed and extremely independent, she can be a little aggressive. She's a biter.

We've been dealing with the biting problem since Sophia cut her first couple of teeth. Until last week, I wasn't exactly sure why she was biting. Some of the reasons for her biting I came up with were pain from cutting teeth, sleepiness and jealousy. Now, I'm pretty sure it's status.
At almost 35 inches tall and maybe 22 pounds, Sophia is lean and mean. Teachers tell me how she corrects the other children, picks up after them and keeps an eye on empty sippy cups. If she notices a child is running low on juice, she will take it to a teacher and get it refilled. When a child cries, she goes over to them and pats their shoulder and tries to comfort them.

Apparently, she can be a kind and generous leader, but if one of her friends gets out of line by taking a toy from her, playing with something she wants or defies her in anyway, she will bite them. When I picked her up from school last Thursday, the teachers had just stopped her from biting another child.

I don't want her to hurt another child. I would say 95 percent of the time she is wonderful at school and plays nicely with her friends. It's that 5 percent of the time that I worry she is going to really hurt someone.

Babysitter blues

With Valentine's Day only a week away, my thoughts turn to baby sitting. I recently recruited one of Sophia and Ryan's part-time daycare teachers to baby sit for me. I last spoke with her in January before she went back to college. During that phone call we chatted about her work at the daycare, how she loves kids and wants to be a teacher and … how much she charges to baby sit: $10 an hour.

Like many girls, I did a lot baby sitting during college. It was a good way to make a couple extra bucks, and in some cases, a lot of extra money. I enjoyed the extra money, but now that I'm looking for my own baby sitter, I'm having trouble wrapping my head around $10 an hour.

Not that my kids aren't worth it, but the thought of paying someone $10 an hour to sit in my house while my kids are sleeping is a bit hard to swallow. I think if my kids were older and she had to give them dinner and get them to bed, the responsibilities would be greater and I would feel better about them cost.

So, here's what I've been thinking. I could ask the girl to come to my house during the day so my husband and I could have a midday date. This way the kids would be awake and she would have more responsibilities and I would feel better about parting with $10 an hour. We could go to a nice place for lunch, but somehow ordering a bottle of wine and having a romantic LUNCH doesn't exactly sound, well, romantic.

We could just bite the bullet and pay the girl to sit at our house, but most likely we will put the kids to bed early, open a nice bottle of wine and cook dinner for ourselves. Our kitchen table may not be the most romantic setting, but we'll make due.

Sorry to see you leave

I just learned that today was one of Sophia's teacher's last day. No one told me, I happened to be in one of the classrooms when the teachers were signing a balloon for the departing teacher that said "Miss You."

As I was leaving, I saw the teacher by the door and wished her well. She said that was leaving because she was moving. She seemed sad.

I am also sad. It's hard because I trust these women to take care of my most precious possessions and in return they make me feel like they love my children more than all the others. I like the feeling that I'm leaving my children in the hands of people who honestly and truly care about the welfare of my children and that their job is not just a paycheck to them.

I believe that the people who care for my children while I'm at work have a direct effect on their personality. Picking a daycare was not a choice I made lightly. Because my children are so young, these women are not only changing their diapers and feeding them, but they are also helping to mold their personality. They give my kids the personal interaction that I am not able to give them while I'm at work.

If I didn't like these women personally I would have taken my children out of this daycare. But opening myself up to these feelings for my daycare provider also makes me vulnerable to sadness and disappointment when one of them leaves.

I hope it's a long time before another teacher leaves.