I just don't know

It's kind of ironic that this morning someone commented about Ryan sleeping on his belly because I had planned to write about his sleeping today. So I'm glad the subject brought up.

Ryan is all over the crib when he sleeps. When I check on him, he could be on his back, on his belly, lying vertically on one end of the crib or on his side in the other end of the crib. Sometimes I wonder if he's not up all night just crawling around. I really wouldn't be surprised.

When Ryan woke up screaming at 2:15 a.m. and I found him on his back with his head in the corner of his crib under the bumper pad, I was a little freaked out, but not terribly surprised. He, however, was stuck and he was mad.

So here's my bumper pad dilemma: When he wakes in the morning, he is usually pulling down the pad and peaking and over the top. Apparently he can now get underneath them too, so they really aren't serving any real purpose. Or are they? Since he is such a mover and shaker during the night, I'm wondering if they are helping to keep his little head safe from bumps and bruises throughout the night. Would not having them actually hurt him more?

I don't know. I think I should take them off and see what happens, but maybe I should keep them on so he doesn't have to bang his head. Would a better mother have instantly ripped them off the crib?

Does all this make me a bad mother? I've asked this question a million times in a million different situations. I feel like I'm always second-guessing myself. When I'm in the process of making a decision I am confident, but right after the judgment is made I start doubting it. Last night, I was sure it was better to keep them on, but today I'm in a panic about it.

I think many of us moms struggle with every day decisions. We just don't know how to handle every single situation and we're constantly worried that we might make the wrong decision. So we read and comment and try to digest millions and millions of facts and studies about the health, safety and best interest of our most precious possessions. We stay up late at night and search the Internet for other moms going through what we're going through and still, at the end of the day, we have to make our own decisions based on what's best for our individual families. And we have to live with the outcome of those decisions.

Frankly, it can be terrifying. How do you separate fact, exaggerated fact and complete fiction? How do you know that what your baby wants isn't exactly what your baby needs? How can you pick between the lesser of two evils when it comes to the safety of your kids? (Oh, this is how I feel about the bumper pad dilemma - it could hurt him to keep or get rid of them.)

I just don't know.

At the end of the day, I have to trust my judgment. Having kids is a learning process. It didn't get easier when I had my second child, like I thought it would, but it did make me more confident in some of the decisions I previously made. It also opened up completely new decision-making situations. Like the bumper pads.