The teeth are coming, the teeth are coming

Well, it's been nice ride up until now. From this day forward my biting issues are twofold.
Ryan's two top and two bottom teeth have been pushing through his poor, red and probably very sore gums for the last couple of days and this morning the first hint of tooth made its debut as a dazzling white speck on his gum.

I am excited about the prospect seeing his goofy smile filled with brand new pearly whites, but I am terrified at the same time.

Ryan watches Sophia all day long. If she's in the room, he is staring at her, taking in her every move, laughing at every nonsensical sound that comes from her mouth and trying to touch her or pull her hair at every chance. Sophia loves the attention, but she doesn't like it when he actually touches her.

"No hit, Ryan! Mean," she screams at him any time he so much as touches a single hair on her head.

All this means that Ryan, in a very short time, will have the tools to actually hurt his big sister. And if Sophia's overblown reaction to him merely touching her is any indication of my future, I'm in trouble.

***

Just in case you were wondering, we took the bumper pads off Ryan's crib Saturday. I think he bumped his head last night around 11 p.m. last night because he woke up and started crying and it didn't sound like his ordinary wake-in-the-middle-of-the-night-scream. We're going to keep them off and my husband has been trying to figure out another use for them. He suggested we make pillows out of them or make wall hangings. I can't even sew a button, so if he can do it, he should. If anyone has any other creative suggestions for bumper pads, let me know.

Feeling great about being wrong

It's not every day that I feel so happy about being wrong. After having a long conversation with Sophia's teacher, that's exactly how I feel.

In recent weeks, I've been worried about biting and the hierarchy of her daycare class and after talking about this with my husband, I decided today to ask Sophia's teacher to call me at her convenience so we could talk about her behavior.

When she called this afternoon, I was fully prepared to have a conversation about how we can do more at home to help Sophia stop her biting, but what I got was exactly the opposite. I started the conversation asking about the dynamics of her classroom. I asked if biting was a problem throughout the class and if Sophia was the ringleader because I felt a lot of emphasis was placed on her biting and asked how we could get a handle on it.

I am proud to say the teacher said Sophia was not the ringleader and, in fact, she was one of the most unaggressive children in the class. She said Sophia's biting has actually decreased in the last couple of months. She said Sophia was actually doing very well and I shouldn't be concerned.

She told me at this age the children are learning how to communicate and sometimes they get frustrated and bite. She did say that the behavior was not appropriate, but she didn't think any of the biting was so bad that it was a problem. She also said some of the more aggressive children were the older ones and they were moving up to the next class next week. She said she thought their aggression came from them being bored in the younger classroom.

It seemed like every day I picked up Sophia from daycare a teacher would comment about her biting, they'd mention that she didn't bite today, or that she did, and that gave me the impression Sophia's behavior was of concern; otherwise, why would they be bringing it up everyday? I think they were bringing it up because of my own concern about her biting.

I don't understand the whole biting thing. To me, it seems so weird that anyone would have a reaction to bite someone because they took a toy away from them or they didn't want to play with them. If I was upset at my co-worker and bit them, I'm sure there would be a lawsuit to follow. (Watch, my mom will read this and tell me that I was a problem biter as a child!)
Either way, I feel much better about my own daughter's behavior. I know that Sophia is not an alpha female and there is no power struggle in her daycare. I also know there is no biting problem in the class and that Sophia is not overly aggressive.

I probably could have known all of this earlier had I talked to the teachers more closely. I thought I was close to the teachers and that I was keeping the lines open, but sometimes it takes more than simple conversation to truly understand what's going on in my children's school.

It's a learning experience and I have to take it that way. One day I'm going to have to go to parent-teacher conferences and I'm going to have notes sent home about my son or daughter not doing their homework or whatever. I'd like to be a parent that the teachers know every year in every school. I'd like to know all the teachers on a first name basis and I'd like to have a lot of contact with them. I know this will get harder and harder as my children advance in grades and by high school I probably won't be introduced personally to every teacher, but I'd like to be as involved as possible for as long as possible. That, to me, is what is going to help my children do their best in school.

Toddler wars

Yesterday I picked up the kids from daycare and lo and behold I received an incident report about Sophia biting another child. Frankly, I'm tired of it. None of the teachers seem to be overly concerned about it and I'm tired of being the only one who is concerned. But that won't stop me from trying to figure out why Sophia is biting her friends at school and how to stop it.

For the first time, the report I got yesterday contained useful information. Usually I get a letter that says, "Sophia was playing with another child and she bit the child on the hand (arm, nose, finger, etc.). We told Sophia that biting is not nice and she said she was sorry." This time the letter explained that Sophia was playing with a toy and another child tried to take it from her and Sophia wouldn't give it up. The other child persisted and Sophia bit the child. Feeling her authority, Sophia decided she didn't want a different child in the area where she was playing and tried to remove the child. When the child wouldn't leave, Sophia bit them. The teacher said she removed Sophia from the situation, told her biting was mean and it hurts her friends and Sophia said she was sorry for biting.

Of course I'm paraphrasing, but you get the idea.

Last week, Sophia came home from school with a bite mark on the back of her left shoulder and an incident report explaining that she was bit by a child. The week before she came home with a scratch across her face one day (no report) and another day she had a deep cut on the back of her head (again, no report).

My theory is that there is a war going on in that classroom and the teachers are completely unaware of the dynamics. I have been told by one of the teachers that the group of children in Sophia's class is particularly feisty. I don't think Sophia's biting is because she's defending herself, but I do believe she is reacting to the atmosphere of the classroom. Basically, I think what started out as a phase and should have been quickly over has turned into a long, drawn out ordeal because of an underground toddler war. And because Sophia's biting has been well-documented, the teachers are focusing on that and missing a lot of other "incidences."

I mentioned my theory, or at least the non-crazy mom version of it, to one of the teachers after Sophia came home with the gash on the back of her head and no incident report. I showed the teacher the cut on Sophia's head and she seemed completely surprised by the injury. Since then, I have gotten notices that Sophia has been hurt by other children mixed in with Sophia's biting reports.

In the meantime, Sophia absolutely loves going to daycare (aka: school). Everytime we put on her coat, get in the car or take out my keys - day or night - she asks about going to school. I'd like to continue to encourage her love of school, but I'm afraid this war has potential to damage this. She loves going to play with her friends and she's always saying their names. How do I discipline an action that only takes place at daycare and encourage her love of going to school?

The war continues.

**Update, update. I talked to Sophia's teacher and things aren't as bad I thought.**

New top dog in town

Last week, Sophia moved from the 13 to 18 month old room at daycare to the 19 to 24 month old room. It was a big move because now she is playing with the big kids.

After only one week in the room, she is already in a fight for the alpha dog position, and I'm afraid she is going to win it.

On top of being strong-willed and extremely independent, she can be a little aggressive. She's a biter.

We've been dealing with the biting problem since Sophia cut her first couple of teeth. Until last week, I wasn't exactly sure why she was biting. Some of the reasons for her biting I came up with were pain from cutting teeth, sleepiness and jealousy. Now, I'm pretty sure it's status.
At almost 35 inches tall and maybe 22 pounds, Sophia is lean and mean. Teachers tell me how she corrects the other children, picks up after them and keeps an eye on empty sippy cups. If she notices a child is running low on juice, she will take it to a teacher and get it refilled. When a child cries, she goes over to them and pats their shoulder and tries to comfort them.

Apparently, she can be a kind and generous leader, but if one of her friends gets out of line by taking a toy from her, playing with something she wants or defies her in anyway, she will bite them. When I picked her up from school last Thursday, the teachers had just stopped her from biting another child.

I don't want her to hurt another child. I would say 95 percent of the time she is wonderful at school and plays nicely with her friends. It's that 5 percent of the time that I worry she is going to really hurt someone.