Thursday, July 31, 2008

Some days

Some days are more frustrating than others. I try not to focus on the negative of any given day and look at the bright side. Even when I'm struggling with sick kids, majorly busy work days and a shortage of funds, I like to say I keep things positive around here.

Today, however, I need to wallow in my own aggravation (even thought it was just yesterday that I told Autumn's Mom that I was going to stay positive). I feel like I have a lot of pent up feelings and I need to purge them. I know this is kind of a public forum to do such things, but this is The Mommy Diaries and what good is a diary if you can't spill your guts in it. So here goes nothing.

I have real life friends, I swear I do, but honestly, I couldn't tell you a single thing that's going on with many of them, but they are keeping up with me. Having this blog has turned into a curse when it comes to keeping in touch with those friends. It's come to replace actual real life conversation. When they think, Hey, what's up with Diane? they click here and find out. They almost never comment (which I would totally LOVE if they did) and once they catch up on my life, they never let me in on theirs. Basically, I miss my girlfriends and I miss my sister. I long for those friendships to be more active again. Visiting my sister last week reminded me how much I really miss the girls I used to hang out with more often. I am totally grateful for my new bloggy friends who have been nothing but wonderfully nice and supportive, but it doesn't replace having a real life girlfriend to hang out with or talk to.

As an aside: I do have several real life friends and family who do, in fact, talk to me all the time. I am grateful for them and, obviously, I'm not talking about them.

My kids. Oh, my lovely, wonderfully beautiful, joyful children. How I love them so much that my heart simply aches. But there are days that I would gladly trade them in for a peaceful meal and 8 hours of restful sleep. Looking at them, I wonder how on earth am I supposed to care for them? They make me feel inadequate on an almost daily basis and it is so hard to deal with that feeling. Whether it's a 2-year-old screaming NO at the top of her lungs because I told her I loved her, or a 10-month-old who is barely babbling because his sister monopolized almost all airtime, it almost always makes me want to hang my head and cry. I cry for my inadequacies and my inability to understand my children.

I blame myself for Ryan's constant illness. He's had 5 ear infections since his birth, he's had RSV, hand-foot-mouth disease, roseola and countless boughts of diarrhea, constipation, colds, flus, you name it, and I'm certain it's my fault because I didn't nurse him. Before you start, I know it's a ridiculous thing to think. I've been through this a million times with my husband, but it's still hard for me to accept, even 10 months later. It makes me all weepy just thinking about it. I tried to nurse him. I really did, but I just didn't try hard enough. I managed a whole week nursing him before I just couldn't do it any more. I had my reasons for stopping and at the time it was really for the best. I believe it was the day I was sitting in his room nursing him and bawling my eyes out that I realized that I just couldn't do it any longer.

I hate myself for stopping. I really wanted to be successful. But I just couldn't do it. After he was weaned, I secretly tried to start nursing again because I missed that bond a mother gets from nursing. Of course, I couldn't start lactating again, especially since I was hiding my efforts, and that just makes me feel like more of a failure.

I am also a terrible environmentalist. We only recently started recycling and since had our recycle bin stolen so now we aren't recycling until I pick up a new bin, which, I know, is a totally ridiculous reason not to be recycling. I use disposable diapers and wipes. I use plastic bottles and sippy cups with knowledge of BPA. I never have and never will make my own baby food because that requires fresh fruits and vegetables (not to mention time) and I can tell you that those food items go bad in my house because the only food my daughter willingly eats is (some) protein and starch.

And then there is my job. I’d love to quit my job and stay at home, but that means taking the kids out of daycare and I think they would suffer from the lack of social interaction with which they've become accustomed. Oh, and I'm sure I would suffer from the adult social interaction with which I have become accustomed. I would be a terrible SAHM, I just don't like going to work. Any work that is. Then there's the money issue … this post is already too long so if you've gotten this far I will spare you the agony of listening to how just the thought of paying bills stresses me out to no end.

I'm sorry for this long, depressing post, especially since spilling my guts really didn’t make me feel any better. I think it's clear I am in desperate need of a strong martini, a long therapy session and a little bit of 'get over yourself.' I'm done. My next post will bring sunshine and roses back to The Mommy Diaires. I promise.


Autumn's Mom said...

That was a mouthful. I think everything you said, if perfectly fitting a Mommy's diary :) I know it's easy to get so down on yourself and blame yourself for everything. It must just come with mommyhood. I've felt it countless times. I didn't nurse Autumn even for a day and felt guilty when she was intolerant of formula. I look at her now though and see that she is a smart and healthy girl and my choices didn't ruin her life. It's overwhelming now as you are "in the trenches" but it will get better.

As for your friends, I feel the same way. Some people, I think are meant to drift in and out of our lives. But those most important, will be there when you have more time for them :) Take it easy friend, we're all in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

I usually don't comment on your blog because you have developed a nice blog community of friends so most of the time "Mom" responses are not warranted. But now I feel I must write.

You have always, throughout your entire life since you became aware of things, been a "What If" person. Used to drive me nuts. When you were little, you used to get so upset about silly things and go on and on with the What If's. I see it hasn't eased up any since you have become an adult. I have to admit, though, that I was once a What If person too. I can go back to my Grandmother's time and say "What If - She hadn't sold all of her property at the shore before I was born? Would I have been an heiress?" Then there is the "What If my parents had bought the house on the next block over or even better yet, stayed in the city? Would I have met your father and would you and your brother and sister have even existed?" I could go on and on, but I won't. I think you probably get the gist. My point is, if you keep on with the "What If's" you will drive yourself absolutely NUTS!! I've learned, as I have gotten older, to just accept things as they are and deal with them one at a time. If you have a bad day, just be thankful that you woke up that morning and hope you will again the next day to try it all over again.

It's not your fault that Ryan has had all the health issues he's had. I used to blame myself for any problems that you and your brother and sister had while growing up. I worked goofy hours and wasn't there after school, I let things slide sometimes when I shouldn't have, and on and on and on. Then I realized that I did the best I could with what I had and all of you have chosen your own course in life. I am extremely proud of all of you and try everyday not to wonder "What If?"

Being and environmentalist? When the rest of the world does it, then you worry. Plastic bottles were invented for a reason - so babies won't hurt themselves if they throw them at the wall and break! Disposable diapers were invented by God to help busy mothers. Think of it this way, using disposable diapers is helping the environment since you won't have to use more water to wash dirty diapers!

Your job?? If you think it's time to move on, do it now. Don't wait till you are stuck in a rut that you can't get out of. Think about part time work if you must. Adult interaction IS important. I started working years ago when my sister told me I had nothing to talk about but my kids and that it was boring to people who didn't have kids. Now I go back to the What If's again and wonder what would have happened if I had not worked or just worked part time or worked at a different job. See what it can do to you? AAAGGGHHH

Bills?? You have a roof over your head, no bill collectors calling you or banging on your door, and food on the table - You're fine!

So now you know where all of your problems, including your shoe obsession, (although I have never taken pictures of them) stem from - ME! (You also now know where your tendency for rambling comes from!)

About today's post. How come the being on time obsession didn't work for your brother??

Love Mom

Diane said...

Autumn's mom: I don't think my friends are drifting out of my life. I think it's more about everyone being busy with their own families and thinking I, too, am very busy and don't want to be bothered by their lives. But that's not true. I really do want to be bothered by their lives and I hope they understand that.

Mom: I know. I know. Everything you said is absolutely true, thank you. The only response I can possibly come up with is this: You should totally try taking pictures of shoes you love! I am feeling much brighter today.

Anonymous said...

Next time I go to the outlets I will bring my camera with me!!

IRISHKAT said...

Sending happy thoughts your way. Must be the moon cycle because there seems to be a lot of 'this' going around. I have been feeling the same way and it stinks! ha ha

Anonymous said...

OK, OK. I know, I know. I suck. What's really ironic is that JUST as the blog page was uploading, I was saying to Tom that the problem with your blog is that I know what's going on with you, but you don't know what's going on with me. And that I really really really need to call you so we can get together. We've been away in St. Louis showing off The Grandbaby to my parents' family, but we're back now. I'll call you this week. But, you know what? I think you have a working phone, too, right? ;-) LOVE YOU.

-Hopey (I can't remember my stupid password for this thing!!

Scooter Kitten said...

I had about 8 different things, including roseola which I gave to my mom, and the mumps, which I also gave to my mom, before I was 1, and my mom said it made me one of her healthier kids cause I rarely got sick going to school. I would keep an eye on his ears though. That can get troublesome.

It's funny you say you have trouble keeping up with your friends. Every New Year's my friends and I resolve to get together more. ;) It never happens. :(
It's just part of being an adult, I guess, cause your responsibilities increase.