Some days

Some days are more frustrating than others. I try not to focus on the negative of any given day and look at the bright side. Even when I'm struggling with sick kids, majorly busy work days and a shortage of funds, I like to say I keep things positive around here.

Today, however, I need to wallow in my own aggravation (even thought it was just yesterday that I told Autumn's Mom that I was going to stay positive). I feel like I have a lot of pent up feelings and I need to purge them. I know this is kind of a public forum to do such things, but this is The Mommy Diaries and what good is a diary if you can't spill your guts in it. So here goes nothing.

I have real life friends, I swear I do, but honestly, I couldn't tell you a single thing that's going on with many of them, but they are keeping up with me. Having this blog has turned into a curse when it comes to keeping in touch with those friends. It's come to replace actual real life conversation. When they think, Hey, what's up with Diane? they click here and find out. They almost never comment (which I would totally LOVE if they did) and once they catch up on my life, they never let me in on theirs. Basically, I miss my girlfriends and I miss my sister. I long for those friendships to be more active again. Visiting my sister last week reminded me how much I really miss the girls I used to hang out with more often. I am totally grateful for my new bloggy friends who have been nothing but wonderfully nice and supportive, but it doesn't replace having a real life girlfriend to hang out with or talk to.

As an aside: I do have several real life friends and family who do, in fact, talk to me all the time. I am grateful for them and, obviously, I'm not talking about them.

My kids. Oh, my lovely, wonderfully beautiful, joyful children. How I love them so much that my heart simply aches. But there are days that I would gladly trade them in for a peaceful meal and 8 hours of restful sleep. Looking at them, I wonder how on earth am I supposed to care for them? They make me feel inadequate on an almost daily basis and it is so hard to deal with that feeling. Whether it's a 2-year-old screaming NO at the top of her lungs because I told her I loved her, or a 10-month-old who is barely babbling because his sister monopolized almost all airtime, it almost always makes me want to hang my head and cry. I cry for my inadequacies and my inability to understand my children.

I blame myself for Ryan's constant illness. He's had 5 ear infections since his birth, he's had RSV, hand-foot-mouth disease, roseola and countless boughts of diarrhea, constipation, colds, flus, you name it, and I'm certain it's my fault because I didn't nurse him. Before you start, I know it's a ridiculous thing to think. I've been through this a million times with my husband, but it's still hard for me to accept, even 10 months later. It makes me all weepy just thinking about it. I tried to nurse him. I really did, but I just didn't try hard enough. I managed a whole week nursing him before I just couldn't do it any more. I had my reasons for stopping and at the time it was really for the best. I believe it was the day I was sitting in his room nursing him and bawling my eyes out that I realized that I just couldn't do it any longer.

I hate myself for stopping. I really wanted to be successful. But I just couldn't do it. After he was weaned, I secretly tried to start nursing again because I missed that bond a mother gets from nursing. Of course, I couldn't start lactating again, especially since I was hiding my efforts, and that just makes me feel like more of a failure.

I am also a terrible environmentalist. We only recently started recycling and since had our recycle bin stolen so now we aren't recycling until I pick up a new bin, which, I know, is a totally ridiculous reason not to be recycling. I use disposable diapers and wipes. I use plastic bottles and sippy cups with knowledge of BPA. I never have and never will make my own baby food because that requires fresh fruits and vegetables (not to mention time) and I can tell you that those food items go bad in my house because the only food my daughter willingly eats is (some) protein and starch.

And then there is my job. I’d love to quit my job and stay at home, but that means taking the kids out of daycare and I think they would suffer from the lack of social interaction with which they've become accustomed. Oh, and I'm sure I would suffer from the adult social interaction with which I have become accustomed. I would be a terrible SAHM, I just don't like going to work. Any work that is. Then there's the money issue … this post is already too long so if you've gotten this far I will spare you the agony of listening to how just the thought of paying bills stresses me out to no end.

I'm sorry for this long, depressing post, especially since spilling my guts really didn’t make me feel any better. I think it's clear I am in desperate need of a strong martini, a long therapy session and a little bit of 'get over yourself.' I'm done. My next post will bring sunshine and roses back to The Mommy Diaires. I promise.