Lessons learned from motherhood

Before I had children I never knew how much strength it takes to be a mom. It's strength that's needed in all its glorious forms: physical, mental and emotional. There is no amount of training that can prepare you for motherhood.

When Ryan was in the hospital with RSV, it took all the strength I had not to completely freak out. Sitting in the hospital holding my then-4-month-old son, counting his breathes and watching his chest cave in with every breath was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It took every ounce of strength not to break down in tears. I needed to remain calm, I needed to be strong for my son. I needed to project calm feelings to keep him calm. It wouldn't do anyone any good to have a screaming, tense baby and a screaming tense mom.

Before I was a mom, I never knew real fear. Sure, I've been scared, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming emotion that takes over every thought and movement when it comes to my children.

I've had nightmares, in fact I had one last night, about my children being in danger. Last night I jumped out of bed and called my husband's name as I ran down the hall to my daughter's bedroom. In my dream, Sophia was sitting at the kitchen table having dinner and she started choking. Her face turned blue and, in my dream and in real life, I jumped up to save her. My husband woke up to the sound of me jumping out of bed and yelling his name. I still haven't fully explained my dream to him because I couldn't bring myself to talk about it last night.

Sometimes fear can take over and make me not want to leave the house. Here is this tiny, helpless child who I protected in my womb for 40 long weeks, when all of a sudden, there she is, exposed to all the elements. After the birth of each of my children, I became completely consumed, I would say fiercely consumed, with the need to protect them.

Before I was a mother, there were so many things that I didn't know about myself. I didn't know I was capable of functioning with little to no sleep. I didn't know I could love the smell of little baby feet or baby hair. I didn't know how calm I could be and how quick I could react. I didn't understand what a mother's instinct was, until I had it.

Most importantly, before I was a mom I never really understood my own mom. Becoming a mother has given me an insight to her that I could never have know before I had children of my own.

I am so thankful that my children have given me the opportunity to be their mother.

A beautiful moment

Sophia wouldn't go down for a nap yesterday afternoon. She was exhausted and cranky. When I put her in the crib, she cried and cried and cried until we couldn't listen to the cry any longer. I went into her room and picked her up and she put her head on my shoulder, so I sat in the rocker and held her until she fell asleep. When I tried to lay her down, she woke up and started crying again. I tried three times to put her down before I gave up and figured I was going to have to hold her if she was going to sleep.

For an hour and a half I sat with Sophia sleeping soundly on my lap. She started with her head on my shoulder and then repositioned herself so that she was sleeping fetus style on my lap. I wrapped a blanket around the two of us and I also fell asleep.

My husband took Ryan with him and dropped my stepson off at soccer practice. When he came back, I had just woken up from my little nap. Sophia was still sleeping. I sat, holding my little girl, with a line of drool creeping down the inside of my arm. My legs were falling asleep and my back was stiff, but I held on to my daughter. I didn't mind the drool or the stiffness in my body because I enjoying the snuggle time.

Her head was right under my chin and I could smell her hair. I sat and listened to her breathe. She was so relaxed and I was in Mommy Heaven.

When she finally woke up, she was a little cranky, but her mood changed to pleasant pretty quick.

It is amazing how much love and trust children have in their parents and how a little thing like a nap can be so beautiful. Sometimes kids can be a little clingy and it can get annoying having to carry them around all the time. But it's moments like this remind me how wonderful it really is to hold your child.

***

Update, update: Ryan's tooth finally came in on Friday, and he's been sleeping through the night since. Hooray! He also started crawling. He's not going any place fast because he's still figuring out his coordination, but he is officially mobile. Watch out world, Ryan is on his way!

Getting ready for Mother's Day

To get ready for Mother's Day, The Mercury is posting stories about motherhood on their Web site. Readers are asked to submit a post about how you feel about your mother. Read touching stories about mothers and share your own story. Click here to read a few sweet stories of motherhood.

There is also a list of special Mother's Day events. Go ahead, take a look.

Help March of Dimes make a difference

If you live in the Montgomery County, Pa., area and want to go out and support a good cause, The March of Dimes is holding a March for Babies 2008 in Pottstown this Sunday (sorry, I said it was Saturday earlier and now it's corrected. The event happens on Sunday).

The event will consists of a 5-mile walk that begins and ends at Memorial Park in Pottstown. While strolling through town, participants can enjoy snacks, entertainment that includes face painting, children's games and crafts, a ventriloquist and music provided by Enchanted Midnight. Fun family activities are planned for after the walk as well.

Registration for the event begins at 9 a.m. and the walk is set to start at 10 a.m.

According to the March of Dimes, the March for Babies is their biggest fundraiser and it helps support their mission of improving the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. Walkers raise money by asking friends, family and business associates to sponsor them with a donation for the March of Dimes.

This year's goal is to raise $89,000. To help the March of Dimes meet that goal, get involved by calling Jen Bauman at 610-945-6050 or e-mail her at jbauman@marchofdimes.com. Of course more information can be found at March of Dimes Web site.

Wait, wait, don't go

Yes, it is still The Mommy Diaries, you have not been redirected to a different page.

It's been a little more than four months since I started this blog and I've already gotten bored with the way it looks. As a consequence of that boredom, as you may have noticed, I changed the look of this page. Now I'm torn about whether I like it or not. So, I'm reaching out (again) and asking for your input on my new look. Do you love it? Hate it? Have no opinion on it?

Please comment, I'm really looking forward to your opinion.

Back to reality

So, we've been back from our couples-only retreat for 2 days now, but we've only gone back to work today and I'm exhausted. I should be well-rested and ready to take on the world, but I'm not because Ryan's teeth are coming in and they are not being nice at all.

Actually, I can't blame it all on his teeth because I can't be certain that's the only reason he's been waking again during the night. He started teething really bad around the time we took his bumper pads off his crib. The first night without the pads Ryan woke up. He pushed himself into the corner of the crib and, I think, he got stuck and bumped his head. He's gotten up every night since then and I'm about to lose my mind.

Sunday night he woke up and he wouldn't fall back to sleep. Well, that's not entirely true because he fell asleep twice after we picked him up, but as soon as we put him down he screamed. This went on for an hour until we took him into our bed where he promptly fell asleep on my husband's chest. Last night he did the same thing, but this time there was no way he was coming into our bed. We let him cry until he woke up Sophia, at which time we got him, gave him a bottle and after two attempts, we finally got him to lay down without him screaming.

Why won't this kid consistently sleep through the night? He was sleeping through the night. He did so for weeks in a row. But just in the last week, he's started waking again (it started before we left for our mini-vacation).

Last night I rubbed his gums with Orajel and gave him some Motrin, but he still woke up. Maybe I should put back on the bumper pads?

I'm afraid he's going to get into the routine of waking up at night again and I don't know how to stop it. I can't let him scream himself to sleep (not because I don't want to, but because I can't have Sophia wake up too. If she gets up in the middle of the night, she tends to stay awake) so I'm out of ideas. The only way we can get him to fall back to sleep is by giving him a bottle and rocking him.

I'm desperate at this point. We've been tossing around the idea of letting Sophia sleep on the couch or someplace else so we can let Ryan cry it out at night, but I think that will only serve to mess up her sleeping schedule.

What is a mother to do? Any suggestions would be helpful. I will try anything and I promise I'll let you know if it worked or not.

Thank goodness I got him a good gift

I started the weekend thinking I had the best anniversary gift ever. Those pictures I gave my husband, I thought, were better than a hundred diamond rings. The truth, though, was that my husband was working on a gift that was just perfect … and much needed: A weekend get-away without the kids.

For months, Jon had been calling my friends, setting up babysitters and making reservations for us to go away for a long weekend for our anniversary. He surprised me with the news Thursday night that we would be leaving Friday afternoon. He took care of every detail.

The thing is that almost every person I see on a daily basis – and some on a not-so daily basis – new about this trip and no one slipped. I really had no idea.

This was the first time I have ever really been surprised by anything. When I had my baby shower or my bridal shower, I kind of knew they were going to happen. They were a surprise, but I knew they would happen so the surprise was not huge. This was really, truly a surprise.
Friday morning, our aunt came over to help watch the kids while we packed our bags. After nap time, we got the kids in the car and dropped them off at their weekend babysitter. By 3 p.m., we were on our way to our weekend get-away.

One of the things that is really endearing about my husband is that he loves cheesy, romantic things like giving flowers, writing poems … and booking vacations at couples-only resorts. Never in a million years would I suggest we go to "the land of love," but I'm glad he did because it was so much fun.

All through the resort there were couples walking hand-in-hand. The activities were geared to couples. Every day the resort had karaoke, dinner, dancing, a comedian and bands. They had couples games, like the newlywed game and couples trivia. Jon and I stayed away from that stuff, but we did archery, went horseback riding and ice skating. We went hiking, got dressed up for dinner, sat by the fireplace and went swimming. We did all this stuff together and had a great time doing it. Basically, we acted like goofy kids the entire weekend and it was a blast.

We didn't have cell phone reception and we didn't bring our laptop, so we were basically cut off from everyone. (Of course, the babysitter had the number of the resort in case of an emergency.) At first this was a little concerning, and by Sunday I was really ready to go home to see my babies, but in between we were able to relax and not worry about anything.

It was a much-needed get-away for my husband and I. He did a great job at making the plans and my friends did a great job of hiding all of this from me.

** See, I told you I would post pictures.

Picture perfect anniversary

I have been totally preoccupied for the past week and a half. I've been running around like a maniac, sneaking here and there. I can't concentrate. It sounds like I'm having an affair, but the truth is that I've been working on a surprise for my husband.

As a special anniversary gift for my husband, I had professional photos taken of my kids and it wasn't an easy task.

On Thursday, April 10, my husband was supposed to have an early morning meeting at his office. His company usually has one early morning meeting a month and since the weather was supposed to be perfect that day, I arranged for Dan Creighton, a photographer from The Mercury, where I work, to come to my house to take some pictures. On Wednesday night, while giving the kids a bath, I asked Jon if his meeting was still on.

"No. It's been rescheduled to next Thursday," he said.

Panic struck me like lightening. It was 7:30 p.m. and I had to call Dan and make sure he didn't show up at my house the next morning. Immediately after the kids were in bed, I sent Jon to the grocery store so I could call and reschedule the photo session. Instead of wasting the beautiful day, we decided to meet at a park.

Jon got the kids dressed first thing Thursday morning. Neither were dressed picture perfect and I couldn't change them. I have a history of changing their outfits after my husband gets them dressed and a couple days before picture day, Jon finally had enough and asked me not to change them if he dresses them. My hands were tied and I had to find a way to pack and hide dress clothes for them so I could change them in the back of the minivan after we got to the park. (See, another reason to love the minivan.)

After Dan took the pictures, I still had to go to work. By now I'm really late for work, dripping in sweat with a handful of mulch down the front of my shirt.

Wiping away the mulch and sweat, I dropped them off at daycare dirty, tired and hungry. I didn't have time to change them back into their play clothes. I felt bad about it, but that's the price you pay for sneaking around. When I picked them up at the end of the day, I changed them back into their play clothes and headed home, hoping Sophia wouldn't remember Dan's name and repeat it.

The Saturday after the photo shoot, Jon and I took the kids to the park. Jon pulled the stroller out of the trunk of the van and mulch fell out all over the place.

"How did this get so dirty?" he asked.

"I don't know. It's the trunk. It's dirty back there."

I know he didn't buy it. I wouldn't have bought it, so I changed the subject and it was forgotten. I think.

It's been a long week and a half. I've had the pictures for days now and I love every single one of them. Dan did such a great job, I couldn't have asked for more perfect pictures. Sophia and Ryan look beautiful and it's taken a small army to keep me from telling Jon about the pictures.
But, the day is finally here and I am so excited to share the pictures. At the bottom of this page there is a slide show of some of the best pictures from that photo shoot.

***

To my husband: Today is our anniversary. We've had seven years filled with highs and lows that I wouldn't give back for the world because each of those events have brought us to where we are today. Never in a million years would I have ever imagined that we would be parents, let alone the parents of two of the most remarkable and beautiful individuals in the world. I'm looking forward to the next seven years and every year after that. Please accept my gift to you on this special day. It's the most special and precious gift I could think to give you … our children.

Turning feelings of failure into success

Did you ever feel like a failure as a mother? Or, how about that your constantly a disappointment to your children? This is exactly how I was feeling while driving the kids home from daycare last night.

My husband was working late, it was a planned late night, so I should have been prepared. But I wasn't. Walking out the door to pick up the kids, I was frantically trying to figure out what I could make for dinner using only one arm (the other would be inevitably holding a baby) that would only take five minutes to cook, because that's about the amount of time I have before someone starts screaming to eat after we get home.

Still preoccupied with dinner, I strap the kids in their car seats and as soon as the last buckle snaps, Sophia starts asking for a cookie. I'm out of cookies. Sophia ate the last one two days ago. I got a substitute snack for Tuesday, but I forgot to pick something up for Wednesday. (As of 10 a.m. Thursday I still have no car snacks.) That's when the whining started and quickly turned into a plead for juice and cookies. Juice I could do and I reached back with her sippy cup and handed it to her. She took a sip and she drops it on the floor. It lands in between her car seat and the door and there is no hope of me reaching it.

This creates a crying fit. "Cookie. Pleeeese! Juice. Juice. Apple juice. Pleeeeeeeese! Cookie. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!"

The screaming and crying lasted the entire drive home. For 20 minutes I listened to my daughter beg and plead for me to give her a cookie and some juice. Neither I could provide for her. I guess I could have stopped the car, gotten out and picked up the juice, but I thought that was excessive. Besides, I wanted to get home and she can't get everything she wants all the time, right? And, honestly, at that point if I stopped the car and got out, I would have seriously considered walking away so I couldn't hear the screaming anymore. So it was best for everyone that I stayed the course and kept driving.

The car ride left me drained and feeling like a major disappointment to my daughter. When we got home, she stopped crying and I gave her a cookie and fresh juice. I got Ryan's food ready and admitted defeat. I thought for sure it would be cookies and juice for dinner and at that point it was fine by me.

I am starving, but making dinner for one just wasn't going to happen. In the refrigerator there was half of a chicken parmesan sandwich leftover from the night before, so I grabbed it and sat with Ryan to feed him. When Sophia saw the sandwich, she decided that's what she wanted for dinner.

Fine.

I gave her the sandwich knowing full well she's not going to eat it. I thought she would just pick it apart and throw it on the floor where the dog would be waiting for her dinner.

This is where I was wrong. Sophia ate the entire sandwich. Bread, chicken, cheese, everything. Then she had a half of a bologna and cheese sandwich. Of course, I didn't get to eat, but she ate and that was a miracle.

No, it wasn't a very nutritious dinner, but it was better than cookies and juice, which is what I thought she was going to eat, so I considered it a successful dinner. And, to make things even better, the rest of the night went by with great ease and everyone was smiles and giggles.

See ....

Yes, Ryan is wearing a pink bib, but ignore that and look how happy he is!

She looks like she might be done eating, but it's a trick. There's still a bologna sandwich to eat. (Notice the Elmo wear! Oh, and standing on our chairs is usually not permitted.)

Not only were they happy, but they were so helpful as well. This picture just cracks me up!

The teeth are coming, the teeth are coming

Well, it's been nice ride up until now. From this day forward my biting issues are twofold.
Ryan's two top and two bottom teeth have been pushing through his poor, red and probably very sore gums for the last couple of days and this morning the first hint of tooth made its debut as a dazzling white speck on his gum.

I am excited about the prospect seeing his goofy smile filled with brand new pearly whites, but I am terrified at the same time.

Ryan watches Sophia all day long. If she's in the room, he is staring at her, taking in her every move, laughing at every nonsensical sound that comes from her mouth and trying to touch her or pull her hair at every chance. Sophia loves the attention, but she doesn't like it when he actually touches her.

"No hit, Ryan! Mean," she screams at him any time he so much as touches a single hair on her head.

All this means that Ryan, in a very short time, will have the tools to actually hurt his big sister. And if Sophia's overblown reaction to him merely touching her is any indication of my future, I'm in trouble.

***

Just in case you were wondering, we took the bumper pads off Ryan's crib Saturday. I think he bumped his head last night around 11 p.m. last night because he woke up and started crying and it didn't sound like his ordinary wake-in-the-middle-of-the-night-scream. We're going to keep them off and my husband has been trying to figure out another use for them. He suggested we make pillows out of them or make wall hangings. I can't even sew a button, so if he can do it, he should. If anyone has any other creative suggestions for bumper pads, let me know.

Potty training breakthrough

What a busy weekend! Anyone who lives in Southeastern Pennsylvania, or at least anyone who read The Mercury last week saw that our weather service predicted rain through at least Sunday. Thank goodness that forecast was wrong. I consider Friday, Saturday and Sunday to be bonus days in life: Days that were supposed to be terrible but ended up being wonderful. Sometimes life brings you roses and when it does you should be thankful.

Besides the beautiful weather, we had a major, major, major breakthrough in our home. For the first time ever, Sophia poopied on the potty. Never in my whole life have I been so excited about a bowel movement.

It happened on Sunday. Here’s how it happened: For a couple of days, Sophia has been letting us know after she poops. So on Sunday when she started saying, “Poop, poop” and pointing to her diaper, I took her upstairs to change her diaper. When I checked, though, her diaper was dry so I sat her on the potty hoping we’d catch it. I was going to keep her on that toilet for as long as it took for her to go. She was not happy with this arrangement.

I’ve been worried about how this whole thing was going to work out since Sophia is not one to sit still for even a second. When we sit her on the potty she has to have a book or something to play with, otherwise toilet paper is all over the floor and she’s ready to stand up within 30 seconds. Anyway, on Sunday she sat on the potty and after about five minutes, she was desperate to stand up. So I admitted defeat and took her downstairs and put a diaper back on her. Right away she started with the “Poop, poop” again. This time I put her back on the potty and started reading her a book. As soon as I started reading, she started pooping. Hooray!!

We gave her chocolate and praised her like she just won a marathon. She didn’t sit on the potty for the rest of the day. On the advice of one of her teachers, we decided that we were going to really start potty training during the summer, besides, she only 21 months old and I’m not sure she’s entirely ready just yet.

So this morning rolls around and I’m sitting in Ryan’s room giving him a bottle and she starts crouching in the corner. She had that look on her face like she was trying to poop so I called my husband to take her to the bathroom. Hooray, she pooped again.

The funny thing is that she doesn’t seem to know what all the fuss is about. When we showed her the poop in the toilet, she wasn’t all that interested. It’s as though she doesn’t know what she did, or if she knows, she doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal. We tried to make a big deal about flushing the toilet, but she’s not interested in that. Oh, and she hasn’t actually peed in the toilet yet. Well, that’s not entirely true. She did once, but it was a complete accident and she wasn’t excited about that either.

I guess, like it or not, potty training should be underway. She seems to be ready, although less than enthusiastic about it..

By the way, my aunt purchased two of these potty training rewards after this comment was published, but Sophia doesn’t seem interested in them either. (Thank goodness she bought two because one doesn't work!) What is her deal? I have a feeling (fingers crossed) that her potty training is going to be pretty seamless, which means, I’m sure, that Ryan’s will be a terror.

This week's lesson

This week's lesson comes to you late Thursday night, after the kids are in bed and my husband is out with his friends because I forgot about it. Last week, I instituted my own weekly round up of things I learned during the week that I would post every Thursday. Well, here I am, the second week and I forgot about it already. I remembered while it was still Thursday.

First lesson I learned this week is that if I'm going to post pictures of my kids, try not to post any that have the potential to have someone comment. The kind of comments I really want about my kids are how cute they are, not that I'm letting my son sleep on his belly.

I also learned that if you have a fund-raiser for your kids' school or daycare, it's best not to wait until the very last day to take it around to all your co-workers. When I got the order forms from Sophia and Ryan's daycare, I kind of assumed no one would buy anything. But you know what they say about assuming ... just don't. In the two weeks the order forms sat on the desk, two people ordered from it. In the last hour and half I was at work and actually asked some people about buying from the fund-raiser, three people placed orders. It was my first time. Now I know for the millions of other fundraisers I'm sure to have to do in my future.

I learned not to say no. OK, this one requires a little background because I have nothing to link back to about it. My husband and I rarely go out with our friends separately. In fact, he almost never goes out without me, while I occassionally get some girls together for dinner or lunch or whatever. He doesn't go out because whenever he wants to I tell him he shouldn't for one reason or another. I realized I was doing this when I told him this week that I might go out with some of my friends Friday night. He said he had made plans to go out Thursday night, which is now tonight. My first instinct was to tell him he shouldn't go out because it's a weeknight and we have to get up in the morning with the kids. But before I said anything, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I've been making him feel guilty about hanging out with his friends. It's not that I don't want him go out, it's that I want to go out too. But the thing is that we have kids and often times we can't go out together. So it's time I learn to compromise. If I go out with my friends, he, of course, can go out with his. But, we have to go out together every once in a while too.

I also learned that I'm not the only mom who feels overwhelmed and confused when it comes to raising children. The most important thing, I think, is that I learned to trust my own judgement and if I don't know, it's OK to admit that I don't know. This is a hard one to stick with because I think, as mothers, we are always second-guessing ourselves and making sure we are making the best possible decision and we don't always know if we did it or not. In many cases, we won't know if the decision was right until they graduate from college and leave home and start their own families. That's a long time to wait to find out if what you did was right or not.

Fundraiser, shmundraiser

Here I am less than 24 hours before I'm supposed to turn in the order forms for my kid's fundraiser and I'm way below my goal.

Daycare put us up to the task of selling candles, cookie dough, pies and other miscellaneous items nearly two weeks ago. The note that came with the package states that if everyone sells just five items they will be able to meet their goal and get new playground equipment. Yes, it's a good cause, so, yes, I brought it into work the very next day. But I didn't really sell it and now I'm feeling guilty for my lack of motivation.

The day I brought in the package I made a general announcement that my kids were selling "stuff" and it was for a good cause – playground equipment for my kid's daycare – and if anyone was interested the form would be on the table.

Two people placed an order in almost two weeks. Honestly, I'm shocked that even two people placed an order, but now that I have two orders I feel like I should have five. You see, if I didn't have any orders then I could just claim that I forgot to sell them or that I didn't have time. But since I have two orders, I feel like I should have my simple goal of five.

I might as well try, I thought, since I have to place an order anyway, right?

I tried, all right. I brought the forms to another department and the first person I approached said, "Already? In daycare?"

"Yup, it's for playground equipment," I said.

She placed an order. Hooray! That's three. Another person is looking at the forms right now and that will be four if she gets anything. By the end of the day I could make my goal. It's within reach, even if I have to buy a $9 candle myself, I will make my goal of five orders.

Come to think of it, I hope it was just five orders, not five orders per student.

Sleeping solutions are never easy

I had no idea what I was getting into when I wrote about Ryan getting stuck under the bumper pad. I wrote about my concerns before I really did any research. I have since done some, but not really enough to consider myself an expert by any means. But the most interesting article I read was an About.com article and I think it's convinced me that Ryan doesn't really need the bumper pads.

The article says that according to one study, it's impossible for an infant to hit his head hard enough while sleeping to cause any injury or bruising and that injury is unlikely if a child gets an arm or a leg through the bars of the crib.

Now I just have to get over the fact that they are so cute. I kept Sophia's on her bed until she was at least 18 months and even then, my husband and I had a long discussion about it first. When I talked to him about taking Ryan's bumper pads off, he was really hesitant so we kept them on. Ryan was fine last night, but I'm getting much closer to taking them off after my research. Maybe tonight will be the night.

This whole bumper pad discussion stems from a picture I posted of Ryan sleeping on his tummy. Since then, I've gotten some comments from parents who have struggled with whether or not and when they should put their baby on their belly. I think there are a lot of parents out there who are ashamed or embarrassed to admit they let their babies sleep on their belly. I was one of them, I'll admit it, but after talking to the pediatrician at Ryan's last appointment, I am way more confident. Plus, Ryan is an older and mobile infant, so I think there is less stigma for me.

I believe there is a real risk of SIDS, but at almost 7 months old, I think my son is pretty safe, and with his new found mobility there is little I can do about his sleeping position aside from sitting at his bedside and control his every movement throughout the night. Since I'd like to maintain some amount of sanity in my life, I'll skip the bedside watching.

I think it's a personal decision every parent must make on their own. I am not going to change your mind or try to convince you to think the way I think. It would be a waste of time. Being a parent means you will be forced to make hard decisions about your children for the rest of your life. Sometimes they are scary and sometimes they aren't, but I don't think they ever get easy.

I just don't know

It's kind of ironic that this morning someone commented about Ryan sleeping on his belly because I had planned to write about his sleeping today. So I'm glad the subject brought up.

Ryan is all over the crib when he sleeps. When I check on him, he could be on his back, on his belly, lying vertically on one end of the crib or on his side in the other end of the crib. Sometimes I wonder if he's not up all night just crawling around. I really wouldn't be surprised.

When Ryan woke up screaming at 2:15 a.m. and I found him on his back with his head in the corner of his crib under the bumper pad, I was a little freaked out, but not terribly surprised. He, however, was stuck and he was mad.

So here's my bumper pad dilemma: When he wakes in the morning, he is usually pulling down the pad and peaking and over the top. Apparently he can now get underneath them too, so they really aren't serving any real purpose. Or are they? Since he is such a mover and shaker during the night, I'm wondering if they are helping to keep his little head safe from bumps and bruises throughout the night. Would not having them actually hurt him more?

I don't know. I think I should take them off and see what happens, but maybe I should keep them on so he doesn't have to bang his head. Would a better mother have instantly ripped them off the crib?

Does all this make me a bad mother? I've asked this question a million times in a million different situations. I feel like I'm always second-guessing myself. When I'm in the process of making a decision I am confident, but right after the judgment is made I start doubting it. Last night, I was sure it was better to keep them on, but today I'm in a panic about it.

I think many of us moms struggle with every day decisions. We just don't know how to handle every single situation and we're constantly worried that we might make the wrong decision. So we read and comment and try to digest millions and millions of facts and studies about the health, safety and best interest of our most precious possessions. We stay up late at night and search the Internet for other moms going through what we're going through and still, at the end of the day, we have to make our own decisions based on what's best for our individual families. And we have to live with the outcome of those decisions.

Frankly, it can be terrifying. How do you separate fact, exaggerated fact and complete fiction? How do you know that what your baby wants isn't exactly what your baby needs? How can you pick between the lesser of two evils when it comes to the safety of your kids? (Oh, this is how I feel about the bumper pad dilemma - it could hurt him to keep or get rid of them.)

I just don't know.

At the end of the day, I have to trust my judgment. Having kids is a learning process. It didn't get easier when I had my second child, like I thought it would, but it did make me more confident in some of the decisions I previously made. It also opened up completely new decision-making situations. Like the bumper pads.

Sweet sleeper

Ryan has started taking a little cat nap in the morning after breakfast. It's helped by giving us all time to get dressed and ready for the day. This morning I went to his room to wake him so I could get Sophia off to daycare. Fridays are Mommy and Son Day because I have off from work, but Sophia still goes to daycare, so he only had to get up so I could take his sister to daycare. I felt even worse when I saw how at peace he was.

On to something new ...

I was tagged by Melinda Zook and I'm taking the challenge to share 7 Randmom Things About Me and the 4 Things. I was hesitant at first because it is a lot of information about me, but then I thought that I’m posting my kids all over the place and sharing all sorts of details about my family life that I might as well share a few details about who I really am.

7 Random Things About Me
1. I can easily waste and entire day not doing anything and that can get me in trouble.
2. There are nights I want to kill my cat. Seriously, I want to kill her. Usually it's at 3 a.m. when she's meowing so loud that she wakes me and I have to get up and feed her ... even though her food timer is right about to go off.
3. I have tattoos, I love them and will probably get more, but there are times when I wonder what it will be like to have them when I'm a grandmother.
4. I wish I could have had kids and not gain any weight.
5. I often wonder what I would do all day if I was a stay-at-home mom. Probably do volunteer work so I could get out of the house and not shop.
6. I love shoes. Seriously, I have an obsession and I’m passing it on to my daughter. See shopping comment in No. 5.
7. I finish putting on my makeup in the parking lot of daycare before I go to work.

The 4 Things
4 Jobs I’ve Had:
Newspaper editor
Photography assistant
Freelance photographer
Assistant summer camp director

4 Shows on my TiVo/DVR:
House
Scrubs
Project Runway
Ace of Cakes

4 Places I’ve Been:
England
Israel
Poland
Arizona

4 Favorite Foods:
Cheeseburgers
My brownies
Anything my husband makes
My mom’s lasagna

4 CD’s Recently Listened To:
Modest Mouse, Good New for People Who Love Bad News
Beastie Boys, Paul’s Boutique
Carbon/Silicon, Last Post
Lily Allen, Alright, Still

4 Things You Can Do to Make My Day:
Compliment me
Compliment my kids
Offer to babysit
Let me sleep in

This week's lesson

I've been recently reading a lot of blogs written by other moms and I've found that many of them do a weekly roundup, usually on a Friday, of all the events from the last week. So, I thought it might be fun to try a little something like that for myself, and since I'm usually nowhere near a computer on Fridays, I think Thursdays will work. I'm calling it This week's lesson. One of the challenges of being a parent is learning from your mistakes. I know I make mistakes and I think making those mistakes makes me a better parent.

***

First, I'd like to update anyone who was wondering how Ryan slept this week and I'm proud to say that it's been two weeks in a row that he's slept an entire night. Runny nose and all. He's been a dream. I even put him to bed myself almost everyday this week. Ryan's been no trouble at all, however, it's kind of made Daddy the new Mr. Fix It and during the last two weeks it's been called to my attention that I've gotten into the habit of just asking him to take over when a behavior problem comes up.

He is naturally a fixer. He's always been this way and I've come to expect it from him. If I ask him to fix something, whether it's a leaky faucet or a crying baby, he will do whatever it takes to fix it. Now that we're parents, I've got learn how to be a Mrs. Fix It, or at least be a better Mr. Fix It's assistant.

***

The other thing that we've been working on as parents is our bickering in front of the kids. The other day, my husband and I were having a heated discussion about, of all things, summer vacation. I was standing in the middle of the room, admittedly, yelling about the most trivial thing. My husband was sitting feeding Ryan and Sophia was standing next to me shouting at her Dad. She wasn't saying anything, just making words sound angry. Both of us stopped talking and looked at her and she gave a little giggle. Maybe she thought we were playing? I don't know, but what she did do was bring to our attention how we talk to each other impacts the behavior of our children. Our argument was meaningless and silly, and our 21 month old taught us a valuable lesson by just mimicking her Mommy.

I know that the environment we raise our kids in has a direct effect on our children, but it can sometimes be forgotten when having to put it into practice. Watching Sophia was a perfect example. Now that we've seen that, hopefully, we can correct our own behavior and never have to see her shout like Mommy again.

***

Last, but not least, I learned that a little giggle can really change the world. This week we instituted playtime after dinner. Up to this point I've been a stickler about bedtime. At 7 p.m. those kids need to be heading up the steps and it hasn't been easy for me to let go of that regimen.

Sophia caught on to After Dinner Playtime pretty quick. It only took a day or two before Sophia left the table and said, "Play. Play," and grabbed my hand to pull me to the living room.

During playtime, we all sit on the floor (Mommy, Daddy, Sophia and Ryan) and play. Sometimes it's a tea party, other times it's tickle time, but every time it's all of us together not distracted by the computer or the TV or the phone or anything. Sometimes it's only for a couple of minutes (because bedtime can't be put off for too long), but the kids love it and I do too.

Yes, I baked brownies

Something came over me last night and I baked brownies. I never do stuff like that. I'm one of those mothers that runs to the grocery store at the last minute for cakes and cupcakes. The last time I baked anything was when I was pregnant with Sophia and I was dying for cake. I can't even remember if I made cake or brownies.

After the kids were in bed, I turned on the TV and there was nothing on. Seriously, 9 p.m. on a Tuesday there really was nothing on that was going to hold my attention, so I went to the kitchen and pulled out a package of brownie mix we've had in the cupboard since who knows when. After a quick look at the ingredients list I realized we actually had all the ingredients, so I got to mixing.

My husband, who was in the living room and heard me rustling around the kitchen, came in and was so shocked to see me mixing batter that he started laughing. "WHAT are YOU doing?" he managed to say in between laughs.

"Making brownies, and if you don't stop laughing you won't be allowed to eat them," I said. He gave me a hug and left the room.

It was seriously no big deal and I got to thinking, why don't I do this stuff more often. Oh, wait, I know, keeping brownies in the house won't help me lose those last 15 pounds.

They were a little dry, but they weren't gross, so I was going to bring them to work this morning since work is usually the fate of all my co-workers baked goods, leftover birthday cake, cookies, Easter and Halloween candy. But Sophia, who usually eats a bite of banana, cereal or granola bar, a piece of pancake or waffle, maybe an egg and cheese or, if all else fails, a pack of fruit snacks in the morning, actually sat and ate an entire brownie and a half of a banana. No, it's not the most nutritious breakfast, but it's breakfast and I was thrilled she ate it. Besides, I've gotten the doctor's OK to just push calories in her, she gets a nutritious lunch at daycare.

So, the brownies are staying at home, for now. If she eats them again tomorrow, maybe I'll be one of those mothers who bake on a regular basis.

Try not to laugh.